Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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