I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
