The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
