And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
