she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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