I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
