They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
