Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
