Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
did i walk over a car last night?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
