i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
