im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
