you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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