Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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