Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
