Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
