he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I supernannyed him into submission
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
