hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
