A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
