Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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