On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I love you.
Bad choice
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
