I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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