So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.