Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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