In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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