God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
