My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
