I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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