The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
