dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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