After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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