dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
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I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I checked into jail on foursquare
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
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Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You left your phone here
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