I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
