im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
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Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
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It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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