he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
