So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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