Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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