I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
