best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
