You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
