Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
