Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
high people should be assigned attendants
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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