I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
