I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
