omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
