Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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