If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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