I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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