Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Houston, we have a squirter
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
