apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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