I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
