dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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