He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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