I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
