Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
