well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
