birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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