my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
