I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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