We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
