I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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